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Cancer (June 23-July 21)

Cancer is a dual water sign and ruled by the moon. With the hard outer shell and soft interior, the crab aptly represents you. In this time of summer vacations, your hard outer shell will be needed. You’ve finally decided to go to that far-off exotic land to experience a different culture. One thing all cultures have in common is a love of comedy and the moment you arrive in your hotel, you’ll notice people laughing. It actually starts the instant you check in. You say your name at the front desk and you hear laughter. In no time, the locals start walking up to you and asking your name. As a matter of fact, for two weeks, everytime your name is mentioned, people start howling. Of course, by that time, you’ll have already figured out that your last name is phonetically the same as the local expression for cow dung.

Leo (July 22-Aug. 21)

Leo is governed by the all powerful sun and the gravitational pull that planet exerts magically draws distant forces together. That will be evident this month when you are walking alone along a crowded avenue. Coming towards you is a woman in a rather strange outfit. Although the dress and matching jacket are obviously a designer emsemble, there is something very peculiar about this older-aged woman. Perhaps it is the heavily applied make-up, or the bouffant hairdo which is obviously a wig. Or the clumsy manner by which she walks in her stilleto high-heels. As she comes towards you, she stands out from the crowd by her walk, manner and appearance. About 15 meters away, you realize what it is! This woman is a transvestite! It’s actually a man! You can hardly contain your giggles as you approach this poor cross-dressed creature. As you pass, you look directly at her/his face and all the caked powder, poorly drawn lipstick, and fudged mascara. You are about to let out a lion’s roar of laughter when, suddenly, you realize that it’s your father, who winks at you and goes “Shhhhh!”

Virgo (August 22- Sept.21)

Virgo represents the harvest and all the goodness and bounty which that entails. As a typical Virgo, you love cooking and food, so you take pride in your kitchen. It is full of the latest equipment. Well, this month you will come home one day and discover that all that equipment has suddenly disappeared. There’s a letter on your front door from the hussiers, explaining how valuables in excess of your unpaid insurance premium have been seized for auction. Startled, you think about it a moment and realize, sure enough, you forgot to pay the bill. Bitter harvest, huh?

Libra (Sept.22-Oct. 21)

Libra is represented by the balance scale, and like so many Libras, you always find yourself in a balancing act betwwen appointments and time, or responsibilities and obligations. That is especially true this month when you are faced with an unwanted, yet necessary voyage. There are so many other things to do that you naturally delay packing your suitcase and planning your trip to the airport. Finally, the last moment arrives, as it so often does, and you are in a panic to make your plane. Frantically, you stuff your suitcases with clothes and drag them down to the front door. Your car is waiting by the entry so you open the trunk, drag your first valise to it and throw it in. Leaving the trunk open, you scurry back to the doorway, drag the second valise and throw it in. Then you go back to get your coat and carry-on bag. You take them, close the door and aim for the car in a blind rush because of the time. In the panic of being late to the airport and missing your flight, you almost knock over a staggering drunk that is passing down the sidewalk. He screams at you and waddles away, wandering from left to right as he does. You slam the trunk closed and get into the car when, almost as a slow-motion replay in your mind, you realize that the drunk has vomited in the trunk of your car all over your suitcases. Bon Voyage!

Scorpio (Oct.22-Nov.21)

Scorpio, a water sign, is symbolized by the multi-legged scorpion. Most Scorpios are versitile, sturdy and quick to react. So this month, when you are alone in the bathroom of your hotel, you will get to display your reaction time. As you sit upon the toilet in a moment of contemplation, you hear a strange squeaking sound. At first it is a single sound, but then another is heard. It sounds like something is grinding, perhaps like a nail being pulled out of a piece of wood. As the sound persists, you look up and realize that the built-in washstand is coming loose from the bathroom wall. A large wall mounted structure with its cabinet, wash-basin and mirrors, it is just about to topple over when you jump up and hold it back. You begin screaming for help. If you move the entire thing will fall, so you shout for assistance. However none arrives. Minute after minute you hold back the fixture as your arms tire and you yell in vain. Finally, your strength gives out and the entire thing falls with a thunderous crash. Within minutes, the hotel staff rush through the door and you try to explain what happened. Of course, they think you’re lying because they’d been getting calls for several minutes about people sreaming and fighting in your room. Things like that just don’t fall off the wall, it’s obvious that you knocked it loose during your fight and they demand that you pay for it.

Sagittarius (Nov.22-Dec.21)

Sagittarius is imaginative and believes in ideas. That is ever so obvious because you continue to imagine that I'm going to write you a good horrorscope.What ever gave you that idea?

Capricorn (Dec.22-Jan.20)

Capricorn is a cardinal-earth sign and tends to be serious and somewhat inhibited. Generally you are dependable, responsible and, as your ruling planet is Saturn, you center your activities around your home. Being born in the northern hemisphere time of winter, you tend to prefer things that are cool. Now that summer is here, that preference, and its associated dislike of things overly hot, will be put to the test. It has been hot and humid for days and your apartment becomes like an oven, so you leave the windows open when you leave in the morning. When you return many hours later, you'll open the door and, as you do, hear a strange fluttering sound. The sound takes on a stangely familiar fluid echo and it is certainly coming from your kitchen. Terrified that someone is in your apartment you shout a warning and enter the suddenly strangely quite room. It's empty. And only then do you realize that a flock of pigeons had decided to take you up on your open window policy and stopped by for lunch. Of course, they left in a flurry and didn't bother wiping up after themselves, but if you hurry you can clean it up before it dries.

Aquarius (Jan.21-Feb.19)

Aquarius is a fixed-air sign which denotes tranquility and thoughtfulness. Aquarius is usually timid, but likes to make friends. This month, you'll make a new friend. One day soon, as you approach your apartment, you'll spot a slovenly dressed young man sitting in your doorway. You have ask him to move so you can enter your building, but he does so courteously, taking his wine bottle with him and asking you for 2 francs. You give him a coin and, only later will you realize, you've made a new friend. Every day from now on, he will live outside your door. And guess what! He's a paranoid schizophrenic who hallucinates and hears voices when he drinks! So most of the time he's standing there, screaming insanely. But he always stops to say hello to you!

Pisces (Feb. 20-Mar. 19)

Pisces is the sign of the house of karma, and through it flows the universal cosmic-consciousness. Calm and serene, Pisces is a mutable water sign, and as such is ruled by the planet Neptune. Pisces loves to travel and now that vacation season is here, you will enjoy several voyages. Naturally, as you cross several borders, you carry various currencies. So, you're used to spending time at the change counter. It is not uncommon when you convert money for the person behind the change window to take your passport and ask you to wait a moment. As a Pisces, you always are peaceful and content, even when on one occasion, the wait seems unusally long. See if you can remain calm when two policemen walk up and arrest you for passing counterfeit currency.

Aries (March 20-April 19)

Aries is symbolized by the ram and, like the family of sheep from which it comes, Aries loves to be part of a big crowd. Of course, that may change when you get notified that you've been accused by the IRS of cheating on your taxes!

Taurus (April 20-May 20)

Taurus is a fixed earth sign which is appropriately represented by the bull. Like that animal, Taurus is slow to anger, quiet, and generally tranquil. You are courteous, reserved and, as you are meticulous in your appearance, you are never one to make public displays or emotional scenes. You care a great deal about how other people perceive you and so it will be extremely disturbing this month when you arrive at work and everyone you see smiles and starts to laugh. The constant giggling quickly begins to bother you and you can’t understand why people are behaving this way. The mystery is solved, however, when you get to your desk and there upon it is the latest edition of TIME magazine. The cover story is entitled: “What People Do When They Are Alone” and it carries a full-page color photograph of you, sitting alone in your car while stopped at a red light, boldly picking your nose.

Gemini (May 21 - June 22)

Gemini is ruled by the planet Mercury and is, like the metal of that name, fluid and conductive. Gemini loves to move and meet people and that leads you to quite an active social life. You love to travel and do so often. In fact, soon you will be taking a long trip. You’ll be flying for many hours on a slightly crowded jumbo jet. Luckily however, you have two open seats alongside and, not having had much sleep the night before, you are eager to get some rest. After the customary dinner, the lights go down for the inflight movie and you begin to doze. The next thing you know, the flight attendant is telling you to wake up, that the plane is going to land. You sit up, place your seat back in the upright position, and again doze off. Soon, the flight attendant is beside you again, telling you that you’ve arrived and it is time to get off the plane. Bleary-eyed, you collect your things and head off towards customs, the last person off the aircraft. Now is when the real fun begins, because when you get to passport control, you reach into your pocket and discover that your passport has been stolen while you were asleep and, so far as the customs officials know, you passed through ten minutes ago.